WHAT’S A MAN GOT TO DO WITH IT?
To all my Queens,
YOU COME FIRST.
First, let me answer a question you will no doubt have. Why am I sharing this incredibly personal Story with you? Because maybe you look at me and don't realize I'm just like you, that building my confidence and my career hasn't been easy, not only have i had life obstacles but also personal ones! Now more than ever female empowerment is incredibly important, and I want to be a part of that movement.
My entire dating life, I had been a serial monogamist, one relationship to the next, until last year, when I vowed to stay single and put myself first. I never had time to grow and get to know myself without another person until, this year. The strong, confident, independent woman I am was lost somewhere behind a mask I'd created to stay in relationships that took more from me than they gave. Eventually, that unhealthy dynamic effected my whole life and I knew It was time to turn it all around.
We've all been there (right?). The guy that treats you like crap but you stay, the guy that cheats on you but somehow it's your fault... and you stay, the emotionally unavailable guy that strings you along for his own amusement, oh and what about my personal favorite.. the guy that makes you feel smaller so he can feel bigger? Yup, I've met all them, dated them all, and after each one swore I would change my ways... but I didn't.
At some point, I couldn't keep blaming men.. at some point I had to realize the truth.. it was me. I was the common denominator and I was the one putting myself in these situations. It isn’t easy to accept the responsibility and admit that our experiences have shaped what we attract. Yes, I attracted this and I think subconsciously ... I wanted it because it's all I thought I was worth.
A common misconception, we don’t attract what we want, we attract what we think we deserve. Who are you deep inside? What do you think you are really worth? Try answering these questions in a journal or just on a piece of paper. Sometimes our answers surprise us, we don’t realize how much our thoughts mold us until we write them out and see them in front of us. Staring right at us. “I must work hard to be loved” “I must be ________ to be loved” NO, you don’t. Look at those words and know that you feel that way because you don't actually know yourself at all, your going off what someone else has made you feel. You are not lacking anything, YOU are everything you need. Rip up that paper, burn it even (but safely please my Queens) and release all those negative words, make room for beauty and positivity, make room for self love.
I, to be totally honest knew nothing about myself OR my self worth, never even considered it. I'd spent all these years being what some other guy wanted me to be, and prioritizing THEM and THEIR wants and needs. The food they liked, the home decor they wanted, the movies, the tv shows, their dreams and aspirations...heck even in intimacy I had no idea what I wanted! I began to talk, think and In many ways act like them. Their friends became my friends and my personal friends never heard from me, even my family barely heard from me. Basically I would lose myself more and more with each guy I molded to, I was good at being a chameleon, I was so good at it that I even masked my own unhappiness. Sad but true.. and more common than you would think.
My year of learning to love myself before trying to love someone else again has been the most valuable of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was time to find myself, get to know who I am and what I liked and disliked, what tv shows I wanna watch, what food I love to eat...and the most important part.. what do I want out of my time here on earth and what can I give back to it regardless whether I have a man or not.
Being alone can be terrifying at any age, I turned 30, got single, got 2 dogs to keep me company and had a hard time adjusting. Love myself? Spend time with myself? What do I want? All things I'd never considered, until now when those things are the first that I consider. So once I adjusted I learned that yes, at times it can feel like every other woman I know is settled and pregnant and why aren't I, but it can also feel like an adventure. I smile and remember my own journey has something amazing to give me and that is what I want to share with you. Don’t compare or judge your journey. I know that’s easier said than done but try it and trust it, instead. Trust that the impact you make today, is who you are and that doesn’t depend on who validates you. You are not what happened to you, you are how you react, respond and RISE.
What can I say, I do what I want when I want and how I want. I work hard at a job I LOVE and create the love I believe in on the stage. Who I am is LOVE. Love is what I am worth. I’ve learned, I don't really like to watch tv all that much, i love waking up and playing music straight away and sometimes I want to eat breakfast food for every meal of the day! But beyond the silly surface stuff, I realized how much I needed my friends and family in my life, how much I need strong powerful women in my life, how surrounding myself with these incredible, driven and supportive people has only made me more driven focused and confident. I AM strong, I AM independent and I AM capable of more than I know. I AM enough, and that is a beautiful thing to realize. Ive learned to love myself inside out and all my imperfections. I'm a romantic at heart, a child at heart, and a social butterfly at the best of times. I love my career, and will continue to strive for bigger better and badder everyday because I'm a dreamer and hustler! I won't make myself smaller for anyone and I won't stop chasing my dreams. I am realizing my own self worth more and more everyday and know now that I will not settle for anything less than what I truly deserve, and that my loves.. is to be treated as a Queen. That goes for all of you, and in turn you treat your man like a King, this absolutely goes both ways, and if it doesn't, then you move on.
So if your single, celebrate! Enjoy every bit of your time, your accomplishments and your own relationships. Know your worth, you are beautiful you are strong and you can do anything you want to do, trust me ;) There is nothing sexier than a woman who doesn’t need a man. And to all the men who took their insecurities out on woman, fix yourselves and stop putting it on a woman who deserves you at your best.
I love each and everyone of you, I hope we can create a community that supports one another. Now go realize your power and build your empire.